It makes him feel better!

My leg is trying to steal my bone!

How else can I piss you off today?

Kids won't listen to you?

Good Job Boys!

I like bacon too! But...

The Prison Workout!

Here is a good little article about how to workout lie a prison inmate!

http://www.ehow.com/how_5044960_whole-body-work-out-weights.html

Go read it!

How to make real, old fashioned lemonade!

I could'nt help it, I had to post this link to what is perhaps the best tasting lemonade I have ever tasted!

http://www.ehow.com/how_5029698_make-real-old-fashioned-lemonade.html

The Future Leader of Iraq!

New Men's Magazine

Exibitionism!!!

I think...we'll call it a day!

This is just wrong!

Ya...You go dog!

The scariest thing you will ever see!

Uhhh...ya ok!

We hear you "loud and clear!"

Are you sure about this Uncle Bill?

Screw Rush...I want Monica!

On purpose???

Gay Mountain Climbers Ultimate Challenge!

That degree really paid off!

The Best Advice!...from a real friend..Stanley Ball

The best things is life come to those who stretch themselves a little outside their boundary.

But sometimes you can reach too far!

And when you find yourself over-extended

and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of,

there is one thing you should always remember.......

Not everyone who shows up......

Is there to help you!!!!

Say What?

Wanted...good home for my puppy!

Dog For Sale

Free to good home.



Excellent guard dog.



Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.



Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.'

Ice Cream...Ice Cream...We All Want Ice Cream!

Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor.

“Barocky Road” ...is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop. When purchased it will be presented to you in a large, beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

Thus, you are left holding an empty cone, an empty wallet, no change, and no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you feeling stimulated YET?

Hi Ho Silver...Away!

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ....

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds,"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief Is again impressed.."You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ..... ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to The Lone Ranger's tent..

Once they're alone, The Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...I SAID ...."BRING POSSE"

And now, a word from our sponsor!

What would you do?

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Colt Model 1911 45 cal. automatic pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do? ...............................................................THINK CAREFULLY :

Democrat's Answer :

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus. ......................................................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
..................................................................

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !

Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist

Why I go to church!

The age old political debate...Republican or Democrat?

Demoncrat

Demoncrat

Demoncrat

Demoncrat

Demoncrat

And last but not least...oh!... a Republican...YES!

BUCHANAN TO OBAMA

By Patrick J. Buchanan

Barack says we need to have a conversation about race in America . Fair enough. But this time, it has to be a two-way conversation. White America needs to be heard from, not just lectured to. This time, the Silent Majority needs to have its convictions, grievances and demands heard. And among them are these: First, America has been the best country on earth for black folks It was here that 600,000 black people, brought from Africa in slave ships, grew into a community of 40 million, were introduced to Christian salvation, and reached the greatest levels of freedom and prosperity blacks have ever known. Wright ought to go down on his knees and thank God he is an American.

Second, no people anywhere has done more to lift up blacks than white Americans. Untold trillions have been spent since the ' 60s on welfare, food stamps, rent supplements, Section 8 housing, Pell grants, student loans, legal services, Medicaid, Earned Income Tax Credits and poverty programs designed to bring the African-American community into the mainstream. Governments, businesses and colleges have engaged in discrimination against white folks -- with affirmative action, contract set-asides and quotas -- to advance black applicants over white applicants. Churches, foundations, civic groups, schools and individuals all over America have donated their time and money to support soup kitchens, adult education, day care, retirement and nursing homes for blacks.

We hear the grievances. Where is the gratitude??

Barack talks about new 'ladders of opportunity' for blacks. Let him go to Altoona and Johnstown, and ask the white kids in Catholic schools how many were visited lately by Ivy League recruiters handing out scholarships for 'deserving ' white kids? Is white America really responsible for the fact that the crime and incarceration rates for African-Americans are seven times those of white America? Is it really white America’s fault that illegitimacy in the African-American community has hit 70 percent and the black dropout rate from high schools in some cities has reached 50 percent?

Is that the fault of white America or, first and foremost, a failure of the black community itself?

As for racism, its ugliest manifestation is in interracial crime, and especially interracial crimes of violence. Is Barack Obama a aware that while white criminals choose black victims 3 percent of the time, black criminals choose white victims 45 percent of the time?

Is Barack aware that black-on-white rapes are 100 times more common than the reverse, that black-on-white robberies were 139 times as common in the first three years of this decade as the reverse?

We have all heard ad nauseam from the Rev. Al about Tawana Brawley, the Duke rape case and Jena. And all turned out to be hoaxes. But about the epidemic of black assaults on whites that are real, we hear nothing.

Sorry, Barack, some of us have heard it all before, about 40 years and 40 trillion tax dollars ago.

Don't Try This At Home. What an Idiot!!!

Hey Mom and Dad! Pay Attention!

Be a good parent...the next time your child tells you to "mind your own business," tell them "you are my business!" Keep your children safe from online predators. Google Internet safety to find out ways you can help keep your kids safe from online predators.

Sincerely,

Brian

Real Wacked News

The One That Almost Got Away!

Ahhh...The Joy of Being Married!

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....So, I took her to a gas station.....And then the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer? "She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home...I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And then the fight started ...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her? ''Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. ''My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got outof his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the 20 oz strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow? ''Nah, she can order for herself. 'And then the fight started.....

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect. 'And then the fight started.....

Secret Gov. Photos Reveal What Really Brought Down The Plane Into The Hudson River!

The Truth Hurts!

Go NAVY!

It's All Gone To The Dog's

Is your Mom Home?

IRS Audit Time? You want the Rabbi to Represent You!

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit The books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi.

"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers,
And every now and then they send us a free box of candles.

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these biscuit purchases?

What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Good Job Mr. President!

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:

"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."

“I’m Tired” by Robert A. Hall

I’ll be 63 soon. Except for one semester in college when
jobs were scarce, and a six-month period when I was
between jobs, but job-hunting every day, I’ve worked,
hard, since I was 18. Despite some health challenges, I
still put in 50-hour weeks, and haven’t called in sick in
seven or eight years. I make a good salary, but I didn’t
inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I
am. Given the economy, there’s no retirement in sight, and
I’m tired. Very tired.



I’m tired of being told that I have to “spread the
wealth around” to people who don’t have my work ethic. I’m
tired of being told the government will take the money I
earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too
lazy or stupid to earn it.



I’m tired of being told that I have to pay more taxes to
“keep people in their homes.” Sure, if they lost their
jobs or got sick, I’m willing to help. But if they bought
McMansions at three times the price of our paid-off,
$250,000 condo, on one-third of my salary, then let the
leftwing Congresscritters who passed Fannie and Freddie
and the Community Reinvestment Act that created the bubble
help them—with their own money.


I’m tired of being told how bad America is by leftwing
millionaires like Michael Moore, George Soros and
Hollywood entertainers who live in luxury because of the
opportunities America offers. In thirty years, if they get
their way, the United States will have the religious
freedom and women’s rights of Saudi Arabia, the economy of
Zimbabwe, the freedom of the press of China, the crime and
violence of Mexico, the tolerance for Gay people of Iran,
and the freedom of speech of Venezuela. Won’t
multiculturalism be beautiful?



I’m tired of being told that Islam is a “Religion of
Peace,” when every day I can read dozens of stories of
Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for
their family “honor;” of Muslims rioting over some slight
offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because
they aren’t “believers;” of Muslims burning schools for
girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death
for “adultery;” of Muslims mutilating the genitals of
little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur’an
and Shari’a law tells them to.



I believe “a man should be judged by the content of his
character, not by the color of his skin.” I’m tired of
being told that “race doesn’t matter” in the post-racial
world of President Obama, when it’s all that matters in
affirmative action jobs, lower college admission and
graduation standards for minorities (harming them the
most), government contract set-asides, tolerance for the
ghetto culture of violence and fatherless children that
hurts minorities more than anyone, and in the appointment
of US Senators from Illinois. I think it’s very cool that
we have a black president and that a black child is doing
her homework at the desk where Lincoln wrote the
emancipation proclamation. I just wish the black president
was Condi Rice, or someone who believes more in freedom
and the individual and less in an all-knowing government.



I’m tired of a news media that thinks Bush’s fundraising
and inaugural expenses were obscene, but that think
Obama’s, at triple the cost, were wonderful. That thinks
Bush exercising daily was a waste of presidential time,
but Obama exercising is a great example for the public to
control weight and stress, that picked over every line of
Bush’s military records, but never demanded that Kerry
release his, that slammed Palin with two years as governor
for being too inexperienced for VP, but touted Obama with
three years as senator as potentially the best president
ever.


Wonder why people are dropping their subscriptions or
switching to Fox News? Get a clue. I didn’t vote for Bush
in 2000, but the media and Kerry drove me to his camp in
2004.



I’m tired of being told that out of “tolerance for other
cultures” we must let Saudi Arabia use our oil money to
fund mosques and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate
in America , while no American group is allowed to fund a
church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia to
teach love and tolerance.


I’m tired of being told I must lower my living standard
to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to
debate. My wife and I live in a two-bedroom apartment and
carpool together five miles to our jobs. We also own a
three-bedroom condo where our daughter and granddaughter
live. Our carbon footprint is about 5% of Al Gore’s, and
if you’re greener than Gore, you’re green enough.


I’m tired of being told that drug addicts have a
disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay
for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a
dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their
noses while they tried to fight it off? I don’t think Gay
people choose to be Gay, but I damn sure think druggies
chose to take drugs. And I’m tired of harassment from cool
people treating me like a freak when I tell them I never
tried marijuana.


I’m tired of illegal aliens being called “undocumented
workers,” especially the ones who aren’t working, but are
living on welfare or crime. What’s next? Calling drug
dealers, “Undocumented Pharmacists”? And, no, I’m not
against Hispanics. Most of them are Catholic and it’s been
a few hundred years since Catholics wanted to kill me for
my religion. I’m willing to fast track for citizenship any
Hispanic person who can speak English, doesn’t have a
criminal record and who is self-supporting without family
on welfare, or who serves honorably for three years in our
military. Those are the citizens we need.



I’m tired of latte liberals and journalists, who would
never wear the uniform of the Republic themselves, or let
their entitlement-handicapped kids near a recruiting
station, trashing our military. They and their kids can
sit at home, never having to make split-second decisions
under life and death circumstances, and bad mouth better
people then themselves. Do bad things happen in war? You
bet. Do our troops sometimes misbehave? Sure. Does this
compare with the atrocities that were the policy of our
enemies for the last fifty years—and still are? Not even
close. So here’s the deal. I’ll let myself be sub je cted
to all the humiliation and abuse that was heaped on
terrorists at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo, and the critics can let
themselves be sub je ct to captivity by the Muslims who
tortured and beheaded Daniel Pearl in Pakistan, or the
Muslims who tortured and murdered Marine Lt. Col. William
Higgins in Lebanon, or the Muslims who ran the
blood-spattered Al Qaeda torture rooms our troops found in
Iraq, or the Muslims who cut off the heads of schoolgirls
in Indonesia, because the girls were Christian. Then we’ll
compare notes. British and American soldiers are the only
troops in history that civilians came to for help and
handouts, instead of hiding from in fear.


I’m tired of people telling me that their party has a
corner on virtue and the other party has a corner on
corruption. Read the papers—bums are bi-partisan. And I’m
tired of people telling me we need bi-partisanship. I live
in Illinois , where the “ Illinois Combine” of Democrats
and Republicans has worked together harmoniously to loot
the public for years. And I notice that the tax cheats in
Obama’s cabinet are bi-partisan as well.


I’m tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and
politicians of both parties talking about innocent
mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we
all know they think their only mistake was getting caught.
I’m tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or
poor.


Speaking of poor, I’m tired of hearing people with
air-conditioned homes, color TVs and two cars called poor.
The majority of Americans didn’t have that in 1970, but we
didn’t know we were “poor.” The poverty pimps have to keep
changing the definition of poor to keep the dollars flowing.


I’m real tired of people who don’t take responsibility
for their lives and actions. I’m tired of hearing them
blame the government, or discrimination, or big-whatever
for their problems.


Yes, I’m damn tired. But I’m also glad to be 63.
Because, mostly, I’m not going to get to see the world
these people are making. I’m just sorry for my
granddaughter.


Robert A. Hall is a Marine Vietnam veteran who served
five terms in the Massachusetts state senate.

Keep smiling,

George

Errabundi Saepe, Semper Certi

How To Fix The Economy

An article in the Business Section from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

This guy's reply nailed it on the head!

Dear Mr.President,

The following is a Patriotic Retirement: There's about 40 million people over 50 in the work force; pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

(What do we need Congress for?)

Good lesson men...woman are smarter!

On their wedding night, a young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If i'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"


That's when she shot him.


You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

RESPECT!

A black girl and a white girl were friends. The black girl slept over at the white girl's house. It was 3 a.m., and they were still up. The white girl's mother came downstairs and said, 'Honey, don't you think it's time for you to go to bed?' The white girl responded, 'Shut up Mother, I don't want to go to sleep!' Her mother said, 'Okay, honey. You can go to bed later.' The black girl was very intrigued by what happened and decided to use that when she got home.

The next night the black girl's mother said to the black girl, 'Girl, go to bed! It's late!' The black girl shouted, 'Shut up Momma, I don't want to go to sleep!' The black girl's mother took one look at her & raised her eyebrow... The black girl started to blink, looked around, and asked, 'Where am I?'

A lady came over to the bed and answered, 'You're in the Intensive Care Unit, sweetie'.

Proper Cell phone Etiqutte

New School Prayer!

Since the Pledge of Allegiance And The Lord's Prayer Are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word 'God' is mentioned... A kid in Arizona wrote the attached

NEW School prayer :

Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd. If Scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Federal matter now. Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a freedom scene. The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice. For praying in a public hall Might offend someone with no faith at all In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state. We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks. They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable. We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King. It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong. We can get our condoms and birth controls, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles. But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach this crowd. It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess. So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen

Please Help! You can make the difference.

Motivational speech from american soldier!

An American Soldier try's to "motivate" a group of Iraqi police or military. Watch as he tells them how he really feels!

http://www.arabiatube.com/video/3117/Iraqi-police-get-motivational-speec

Bring it on!